Like any tool, humor can be used in negative as well as positive ways. Making snide, hurtful remarks, for example, then criticizing the other person for not being able to take a joke will create even more problems and ultimately damage a relationship.
Humor can only help you overcome relationship problems when both partners are in on the joke. It’s important to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner or friend isn’t likely to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s "all in good fun.”When the joking is one-sided rather than mutual, it undermines trust and goodwill and can damage the relationship. Humor in relationships should be equally fun and enjoyable for both people. If your partner doesn’t think your joking or teasing is funny stop immediately. Before you start playing around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well as your partner’s state of mind and sense of humor.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?
2. Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings or are you taking a dig, expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
3. Are you sure that the joke will be understood and appreciated?
4. Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending? Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative or hostile tone?
5. Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do they seem open and receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
6. Are you willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to the joke?
7. If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?
(a)Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions: Humor helps you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times when humor is not healthy and that's when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express. You can be funny about the truth, but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships. For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to conceal other emotions, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do nonverbal communication signals such as tone of voice, intensity, timing feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or "not right” somehow?
2. Is humor the only emotion you routinely express, or is there a mixture of other emotions that at least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and anger?
(b) Develop your playful side: It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. If you find yourself limiting your playfulness, it's possible that you're self-conscious and concerned about how you'll look and sound to others when you attempt to be funny or witty. Fearing rejection or ridicule when attempting to be funny is an understandable fear, but it's important to point out that as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn't worry about the reactions of other people. You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting aside regular, quality play time. The more you joke, play, and laugh, the easier it becomes. Note the following whenever you are using humor: 1. Monitor your partner’s nonverbal cues. If your partner is not appreciating or enjoying your attempts at humor, you’ll be able to tell from his or her body language. Does her smile seem fake or forced? Is he leaning away from you or leaning towards you, encouraging you to continue?
2. Avoid mean-spirited humor. It may work for some comedians on stage, but used one-on-one at home, it will not only fall flat but may also damage your relationship. Saying something hurtful or insulting, even when framed as a joke, will alienate the other person and weaken the bond between you.
3. Create inside jokes. An inside joke is something that only the two of you understand. It can often be reduced to a word or short phrase that reminds you both of a funny incident or amusing story, and is usually guaranteed to generate a smile or laugh from the other person. When you and your partner are the only ones “in” on the joke, it can create intimacy and draw you together.
4. Don’t be afraid to “play the fool.”Remember, you’re not trying to impress or entertain your partner, but simply to lighten up and make the two of you more relaxed. Goof around, wear wacky clothing, be silly like a kid. It can lower your partner’s defenses, relieve tension, and help you to smooth over differences... Practices these tips today and see your relationship become more intimate and more flowing of love.. Use humor to reconnect with your partner crack jokes and act foolish, it's not to be ashamed of, it's for the fun of it.. To be continued........
1. Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?
2. Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings or are you taking a dig, expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
3. Are you sure that the joke will be understood and appreciated?
4. Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending? Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative or hostile tone?
5. Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do they seem open and receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
6. Are you willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to the joke?
7. If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?
(a)Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions: Humor helps you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times when humor is not healthy and that's when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express. You can be funny about the truth, but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships. For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to conceal other emotions, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do nonverbal communication signals such as tone of voice, intensity, timing feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or "not right” somehow?
2. Is humor the only emotion you routinely express, or is there a mixture of other emotions that at least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and anger?
(b) Develop your playful side: It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. If you find yourself limiting your playfulness, it's possible that you're self-conscious and concerned about how you'll look and sound to others when you attempt to be funny or witty. Fearing rejection or ridicule when attempting to be funny is an understandable fear, but it's important to point out that as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn't worry about the reactions of other people. You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting aside regular, quality play time. The more you joke, play, and laugh, the easier it becomes. Note the following whenever you are using humor: 1. Monitor your partner’s nonverbal cues. If your partner is not appreciating or enjoying your attempts at humor, you’ll be able to tell from his or her body language. Does her smile seem fake or forced? Is he leaning away from you or leaning towards you, encouraging you to continue?
2. Avoid mean-spirited humor. It may work for some comedians on stage, but used one-on-one at home, it will not only fall flat but may also damage your relationship. Saying something hurtful or insulting, even when framed as a joke, will alienate the other person and weaken the bond between you.
3. Create inside jokes. An inside joke is something that only the two of you understand. It can often be reduced to a word or short phrase that reminds you both of a funny incident or amusing story, and is usually guaranteed to generate a smile or laugh from the other person. When you and your partner are the only ones “in” on the joke, it can create intimacy and draw you together.
4. Don’t be afraid to “play the fool.”Remember, you’re not trying to impress or entertain your partner, but simply to lighten up and make the two of you more relaxed. Goof around, wear wacky clothing, be silly like a kid. It can lower your partner’s defenses, relieve tension, and help you to smooth over differences... Practices these tips today and see your relationship become more intimate and more flowing of love.. Use humor to reconnect with your partner crack jokes and act foolish, it's not to be ashamed of, it's for the fun of it.. To be continued........
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