Do you have a crush? Me too! I will tell you mine
if you will tell me yours, mine is Loading.,. Wait! Damn! Anyway, Valentine’s
Day fast approaching and, as you know, if you don’t win the heart of your crush
by Valentine’s Day, you will be doomed to spend the whole year alone, crying
and eating peanut butter from the jar.
THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN BY SCIENCE.
Don’t worry, all is not lost. If you follow this
step-by-step guide to winning over your crush, you can spend a romantic
Valentine’s Day with any human you choose. Ignore our advice, however, and your
only choice may be smooth or crunchy.
1. Be your best self You’ve heard people say “Be
yourself.” That’s nice, and all, but kind of useless advice. If you’re anything
like us, you’ve got a whole bunch of selves, and some of them are jerks. No one
is perfect, not even your crush. You don’t have to be ashamed of your flaws,
but it’s not dishonest to put your best self forward when you want to make a
good impression, it’s just good sense.
2. Hang out They can’t fall in love with you if
they don’t know you. The best thing to do here is to hang out in groups, at
least to start with. For one thing, there’s less pressure. For another, you’re
probably much more fun when you’re around your friends. Nothing can stop growing
affection in its tracks faster than an awkward one-on-one before you know each
other well enough. “Um, so do you like cheese? What kind of cheese do you like
best? I prefer American cheese, is that boring?” It is. Sorry, but it really
is.
3. Presents! Everyone likes presents! Get your
crush a present, duh! It’s hard to go too wrong here, but there are a few
guidelines. Since our readers are the smart, awesome, book-reading kind, you
may be tempted to give your crush a book. Don’t. Not yet, anyway. I know that
if they read it they would see into your deepest, most beautiful soul, etc.,
but it’s more likely that it will go in a pile with all the other homework they
don’t want to do. Then, instead of being excited about seeing you again they’ll
be all “Oh, man, she’s going to ask me if I’ve read the book yet. Ugh!” No
books, no homework. Stick with something simple and thoughtful like: Popcorn
Necklace Fluorescent green shoelaces One of those giant Reece’s things they
sell in toy stores A mix tape A tape deck
4. Seal the deal This is the hard part. Stop and
think for a minute. You’ve been hanging out with your crush for a while. You’ve
given them a thoughtful gift. How do they act around you? Does it seem like
they might like you back? Be honest. If you’re pretty sure the answer is no, it
might be best to shelve your crush for a while. Rejection wouldn’t be the end
of the world—and it is “character-building”—but it does create awkwardness
between people. Leaving your undying love unspoken for a bit longer will give
your crush a chance to have a change of heart. If you think your crush might
like you back, it’s time to be brave. Be honest, but try not to scare them.
“You’re probably the most awesome person I know right now” is good. “I’ll die
if we can’t be together” is not. That’s about all you need to know. Best of
luck in all your romantic endeavors. We’ll have the Smuckers ready, but we hope
you won’t need it.
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