Things The Average Man Thinks While Having S*x

Recently, the lovely Anna Breslaw detailed a woman’s thought process mid-fellatio. Let the record show that all (none) of the women I’ve been with have told me I’m very good at séx-having, but I feel it’s only fair I share a list of what the average man thinks about when he’s going down on you: 1. I should have looked up “clitóris” on Wikipedia before this whole thing started. 2. Is she still watching TV? I can’t tell if her eyes are closed or if she’s still watching Conan…wait, is she looking at me? No, her eyes are closed. Are they? Yeah. Wait, no? 3. Does she want me to touch her bóóbs? I think I can reach her bóóbs from here. Nope, I can’t. I’m just kind of awkwardly clawing at her rib cage. Abort. 4. Oh, fúck. I have to cough. Will she notice if I cough directly into her vaginá? No, don’t run the risk. Suppress it, dude. 5. Dammit, she did want me to touch her bóóbs. Now she’s touching her own bóóbs. Wait, this is awesome. STOP STARING AND KEEP GOING. 6. Are we going to have séx soon? (Full disclosure, this one is pretty much being thought the whole time. It’s also being thought when a man isn’t giving oral, like when he’s engaging you in casual conversation, or eating a hot dog, or sleeping. Men are thinking this about every woman they come into casual contact with all day). 7. Whatever happened to Ashanti? Is she still making music? I have to remember to Google her later. 8.My beard is going to smell like vaginá later. I think I’m ok with this. I know I’m ok with this. (NOTE: This only pertains to men with beards) 9. Lying on my stomach with an eréction isn’t ideal. Where the fúck do I put my man-hood right now? Ok, I’m going to try to just point it down…nope. Everything happening to my díck is awful right now. Would she notice if I cut a hole in her mattress and made myself a cóck burrow? 10. I STILL CAN’T TELL IF YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED FROM THIS ANGLE. ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? SHOULD I WINK OR SOMETHING? 11. Ok, she’s arching her back. Her right leg is twitching. I’m the man right now. Don’t lose focus. Do not forget to look up Ashanti’s career trajectory later. 12. SHE IS LITERALLY CRUSHING MY HEAD WITH HER THIGHS WHERE DID SHE GET THIS STRENGTH FROM SHE IS PUSHING MY HEAD INTO HER VAGíNA IF THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO DIE THEN SO BE IT I WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD AS I CAME INTO IT. 13. She came? Yeah. Yeah? Ok, yeah. I’m allowed up now. 14. Alright, I’m going to wait for about two seconds and then just try and put my penís in her vagína. No fear.