These are the habits you need to break in order to save your
marriage. This is paramount as marriage is one of the oldest and strongest institution.
For as much envying as we do of other relationships, the
truth is—even the most wonderful, "perfect" union can end in divorce.
We've all seen it: Two genuinely great people start off
head-over-heels in love, but then somewhere along the way (despite everything
looking peachy on the surface) they shock their family and friends with an
announcement of their marriage ending.
What happened? They seemed so happy together!
Despite how happily they started off as a couple, the pair
was more than likely hiding a continuous cycle of unhappiness within their
relationship. After striving to keep all their troubles hidden just below the
surface for far too long, they felt that separation was their only option.
This isn't unusual at all. Many couples struggle to maintain
"happy relationships," but without the right tools their attempts at
doing so can become futile and marriages still fall apart. Luckily we can take
note of these unfortunate heartbreaks and heed their warning signs before its
too late. Here are 15 bad habits these former couples most likely left
unaddressed and slowly but surely eroded the connection between them.
1. Not being on the same page with each other
Often couples lack alignment on the things that matter most,
and feel like their own personal goals or feelings are the most important ones
to focus on. It is easy to get lost in your own perspective and fail to see
your partner's viewpoint on the important things, causing them to feel like
they aren't valued.
2. Not meeting each other's needs
Every person has unique needs they hope their partner will
fulfill. But sometimes couples fail to speak up about those needs or presume
their partner's needs are the same as their own, often leaving their
significant other feeling alienated.
3. Letting disconnect become the norm
This is when couples start to say things like, "I love
you, but I am no longer 'in love' with you." This should be seen as a call
to action, but more often than not couples seem to find this to be a final
resting place, whether in divorce or mutual unhappiness.
4. Allowing intimacy to dwindle
The affection, connection, and tenderness you once shared
dries up from lack of effort, leaving you as nothing more than mere roommates.
Once again this should not be a final resting state or terminal phase of a
relationship, but a signal—or check engine light, of sorts—to make some
positive changes.
5. Neglecting each other
Blowing each other off, forgetting to follow through on
promises, failing to pay attention. Neither of you necessarily meant to make
other things more important than your spouse, but you did and the continuation
of this behavior can eventually be seen as blatant disrespect for your partner.
6. Harboring resentment for each other
Unspoken or unresolved resentment festers and severely
poisons a once healthy relationship. One partner (or even both) can think: You
did this to me, and I can't get over it. This type of toxicity and buried tension
will only continue to build and eventually require release, often taking the
form of explosive arguments.
7. Not dealing with things head on
You know things are off, but it's easier to do nothing about
it. You avoid facing the truth or handling the real issues in your marriage but
just as with all procrastination, the subject will have to eventually be
addressed—only with more complications due to the passing of time.
8. Criticizing each other
Nitpicking and obsessing over your partner's shortcomings (whether
out loud or just mentally taking note), eventually results in those faults
becoming the only thing you see in your partner. After awhile, complaining and
criticizing become a comfortable habit which compromises your willingness to
communicate and interact in a compassionate, supportive way. It can also eat
away at the intimacy and trust you have built in your relationship, and result
in one or both of you feeling too self-conscious to be completely honest and
open with one another.
9. Turning your attention (and affection) elsewhere
Whether by having an affair or pouring all of your attention
into the kids, you have checked out and sought both attention and affection
elsewhere. This can lead to jealousy, feelings of neglect or being undervalued,
and the deterioration of emotional security within the relationship.
10. Letting stress control your lives
Life is hectic and many couples accidentally let stress
(both big and small) come between them. But once stress takes over and shared togetherness
fractures, it can feel incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to get it back.
11. Fighting to win
When you're more focused on being right than on truly
connecting, attempts to discuss problem areas within the relationship can often
end up making things much, much worse. It inhibits the sense of openness needed
for healthy communication and progress that could be made in mending other
issues.
12. Neglecting sexual intimacy
When you start to forgo sex, your intimacy and resulting
connection is going to start to drift apart. It is important to see this aspect
of your relationship as just as much of a priority as any other, and really put
in the effort to make a positive change. Even if there is a sense of
disinterest or apathy, effort can take the form of scheduling sex or giving
maintenance sex a try.
13. Lying about financial issues
While even the closest couples can find it difficult to talk
about money, it's important to make an attempt to keep an open dialogue—because
money is the number one cause of relationship stress. If your partner is
irresponsible or deceitful about money, it can feel overwhelming and hurtful,
because it’s a huge breach of trust in the same way that an infidelity would
be.
14. Losing respect for each other
The minute eye rolls start to enter into the relationship,
respect has gone out the window. Like Kristen Bell once said, “You might as
well break up right then because it’s contempt.” Its important to always make
an effort to understand your partner's perspective and respect their right to a
different point of view, even if their opinions don't match your own.
15. Introducing ultimatums into the relationship
If your partner starts saying things like, "It's me or
your best friend/parents/sister, etc.," you've entered into a stage of the
relationship you may not be able to come back from. The subject does not always
have to be another person, in many situations it can even be a career or
habitual pattern.
The longer the above issues remain unresolved in ANY
marriage, the more these habits intertwine, intensify, and steadily reduce the
flow of love and connection in your life. Each day, love dwindles and stress
builds until even formerly happy couples reach their breaking point.
So what can you do when your happy marriage feels miserable
(and seems hopelessly lost)?
Find a little perspective: Focus on why you fell in love
with your partner and what you want your life as a couple to become. Even
better, tell your partner this without any expectations of them doing the same.
Be brave enough to go first: Be willing to apologize to your
partner first instead of waiting for them to make the first move.
Start to repair the damage: Apologize for your part in any
misunderstanding. Don't defend why you did or didn't do this or that. Offer a
simple, heartfelt apology without expecting one from them. This can work
wonders.
Stop waging war: Stop doing anything that's causing harm to
your partner or injures your feeling of connection and intimacy. This might
simply mean showing a little more patience, compassion, and kindness.
The happiness and success of any marriage is reflected in
the little things you do (and fail to do) for each other. Don't let your
marriage fall apart like so many couples do. Make a fresh start, today. Choose
to do something that moves you out of the past and imagines a brighter future
together. Choose your relationship over the often alluring consistency of
inaction.
Welcome to new year of all round success.
