Conflict and disagreement are inevitable in relationships. Anger is a natural emotion, anddisagreements can be healthy sign of difference.Conflict usually occurs because certain needsare not beingmet – either within the relationship or outside or it. The object of conflict managementis to ask for those needs to be met in a way that does not damage yourrelationship.
Here are some tips that may be useful to manage anger and reduce conflict in relationships.
1. TAKE TIME-OUT.
Disagreements are best dealt with when both parties are ina non-aroused state. Whenever possible, take a time-out to calm your body down. Techniques include breathing, relaxation & visualisation (see separateself-help guide). Strong emotions of anger, grief or anxiety donot make it easy for us to access ourrational faculties and so there is little benefit of trying to address disagreements in this condition – itoften just escalates into insults and unintentional dagger-throwing. Both of you should respect each other’s need for a time-out; it’s not running away from the issue, butpreparing yourself to deal with it in more receptive mode.
2. REFLECT INTERNALLY
Check in on yourself and ask yourself what you think the issue is about. Ask yourself what part you are playing in this – are youmisinterpreting what your partner has said? Areyou in a bad mood from something else? Are youbeing reasonable here? Ask yourself if you think it is an issue that is important enough to stand your ground on – can you let this go without resentment or do you need to ask your partner for something? Sometimes we argue outof habit and because it connects us (even thoughit is negative,at least we both get attention). Ask yourself whether you really need to take up this issue. If so, think about what exactly you need to ask for.
3. EXPLAIN
Avoid presuming that your partner should knowwhat is wrong. Empathy is an elusive concept – it is nearly impossible for another person to truly know what you areexperiencingand to give you what you want. It useful if you can ask for what you need.
4. TAKE PERSPECTIVE
There is sometimes great temptation to elevate the stakes in an argument.Threats and ultimatums are damaging to the ego and chip away at the whole of the relationship. Thus, try andkeep the argument to the specific issue rather than make the whole relationship at risk. Avoid‘if you do this one more time…’ ‘I can’t take this any more, I’m leaving’… Each of you should knowthat however unpleasant this disagreement is, it will not touch therelationship. If the relationship is to end, it should be decided separately to a heated argument.
5. TRY TO PERSONALIZE
The conversationis best approached from a personal angle, rather than blamingyour partner.If your partner hears criticism he/she will want to defend himself/herself rather than address the issue. Try and use ‘I feel…’, ‘It hurts me when…’, ‘I would really like it if…’, rather than ‘you make me feel…’, ‘when you do that….’. Try also to avoid generalization such as ‘you always do that..’, ‘you never think…’ – it iscertainly hurtful and isusually inaccurate.
6. OWN UP TO MISTAKES
It is not a weakness to accept that you have acted out of line. Owning up to faults and mistakesis helpful to both parties, so long as it is not done out of martyrdom or for manipulativeeffect. Apologising early can save a lot of unnecessary conflict.
7. INCLUDE SOMETHING POSITIVE
When putting your point across, it brings good results if you can refer to something positive as well. The discussion is unlikely to be rosy, but if you can draw on aspects that you do like, it will make your partner less tense and combative. Putting across negative points in a humorous way can also work. Humour doesn’t mean your partner is trivialising the issue, rather it makes it easier for him/her to confront an issue.
8. FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
By clinging to the painful memory of a past event (no matter how distressing it was) you are impeded from living in the present. You are entitled to a period of grieving and are allowed to make your needs clear to your partner. Long-held resentment will tarnish arelationship. Try not to use past events as ammunition. Even though it might be a recurring issue, the current disagreement should address the here and now.
9. AIM TO BE HAPPY, NOT TO BE RIGHT
The purpose of approaching conflict is to get to maximum results for both of you. When you argue to win (by point-scoring), the gain is short-term and mostly leaves you feeling worse. Whenyou argue to ask for your needs to be met, it is still unpleasant, but you are working to building better conditions for both of you.
10. AGREE TO DISAGREE
You are entitled to ask your partner to help meet your needs, but you are not in the business of getting your partner to come aroundto seeing theworld as youdo. It is fruitless to try to convert themto your philosophy of life. Differences should be embraced – including different setsof interests and activities. Finally, it is not up to your partner to fulfil all ofyour needs, they also have to be met internally and with other people (family, friends).
Source: Harley Therapy And Conselling
1. TAKE TIME-OUT.
Disagreements are best dealt with when both parties are ina non-aroused state. Whenever possible, take a time-out to calm your body down. Techniques include breathing, relaxation & visualisation (see separateself-help guide). Strong emotions of anger, grief or anxiety donot make it easy for us to access ourrational faculties and so there is little benefit of trying to address disagreements in this condition – itoften just escalates into insults and unintentional dagger-throwing. Both of you should respect each other’s need for a time-out; it’s not running away from the issue, butpreparing yourself to deal with it in more receptive mode.
2. REFLECT INTERNALLY
Check in on yourself and ask yourself what you think the issue is about. Ask yourself what part you are playing in this – are youmisinterpreting what your partner has said? Areyou in a bad mood from something else? Are youbeing reasonable here? Ask yourself if you think it is an issue that is important enough to stand your ground on – can you let this go without resentment or do you need to ask your partner for something? Sometimes we argue outof habit and because it connects us (even thoughit is negative,at least we both get attention). Ask yourself whether you really need to take up this issue. If so, think about what exactly you need to ask for.
3. EXPLAIN
Avoid presuming that your partner should knowwhat is wrong. Empathy is an elusive concept – it is nearly impossible for another person to truly know what you areexperiencingand to give you what you want. It useful if you can ask for what you need.
4. TAKE PERSPECTIVE
There is sometimes great temptation to elevate the stakes in an argument.Threats and ultimatums are damaging to the ego and chip away at the whole of the relationship. Thus, try andkeep the argument to the specific issue rather than make the whole relationship at risk. Avoid‘if you do this one more time…’ ‘I can’t take this any more, I’m leaving’… Each of you should knowthat however unpleasant this disagreement is, it will not touch therelationship. If the relationship is to end, it should be decided separately to a heated argument.
5. TRY TO PERSONALIZE
The conversationis best approached from a personal angle, rather than blamingyour partner.If your partner hears criticism he/she will want to defend himself/herself rather than address the issue. Try and use ‘I feel…’, ‘It hurts me when…’, ‘I would really like it if…’, rather than ‘you make me feel…’, ‘when you do that….’. Try also to avoid generalization such as ‘you always do that..’, ‘you never think…’ – it iscertainly hurtful and isusually inaccurate.
6. OWN UP TO MISTAKES
It is not a weakness to accept that you have acted out of line. Owning up to faults and mistakesis helpful to both parties, so long as it is not done out of martyrdom or for manipulativeeffect. Apologising early can save a lot of unnecessary conflict.
7. INCLUDE SOMETHING POSITIVE
When putting your point across, it brings good results if you can refer to something positive as well. The discussion is unlikely to be rosy, but if you can draw on aspects that you do like, it will make your partner less tense and combative. Putting across negative points in a humorous way can also work. Humour doesn’t mean your partner is trivialising the issue, rather it makes it easier for him/her to confront an issue.
8. FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
By clinging to the painful memory of a past event (no matter how distressing it was) you are impeded from living in the present. You are entitled to a period of grieving and are allowed to make your needs clear to your partner. Long-held resentment will tarnish arelationship. Try not to use past events as ammunition. Even though it might be a recurring issue, the current disagreement should address the here and now.
9. AIM TO BE HAPPY, NOT TO BE RIGHT
The purpose of approaching conflict is to get to maximum results for both of you. When you argue to win (by point-scoring), the gain is short-term and mostly leaves you feeling worse. Whenyou argue to ask for your needs to be met, it is still unpleasant, but you are working to building better conditions for both of you.
10. AGREE TO DISAGREE
You are entitled to ask your partner to help meet your needs, but you are not in the business of getting your partner to come aroundto seeing theworld as youdo. It is fruitless to try to convert themto your philosophy of life. Differences should be embraced – including different setsof interests and activities. Finally, it is not up to your partner to fulfil all ofyour needs, they also have to be met internally and with other people (family, friends).
Source: Harley Therapy And Conselling
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